“Write about managing bullies please” –is a frequent request I receive! It is a tough one, actually took 3 months. I asked for help and I heard a flippant comment “I can’t wait for you to write, it will help me manage you better!” I say flippant but I had a nagging doubt if it was serious!
As always Agastya came to my rescue. He was quite upset a few weeks ago, because some of the older boys were troubling him. I told him to ignore – this didn’t help, it worsened. I advised him to complain to his teacher… stopped for a while but in a few days started all over again! Retaliating just added to his tormentor’s fun! I was really at my wits end and I wanted to desperately help my little boy. Just when I was thinking I wouldn’t be able to help… we figured out something together – the remote control!
What happens if you keep pressing the remote and the T.V doesn’t respond? You hit the remote on your thigh, you shake it a bit, check the batteries… you get frustrated! If nothing works you just get up and walk to another room with a T.V or just pick up a book or do something else. You move on because you are not getting the result you want.
What if we did the same and simply didn’t respond to the taunt, like the T.V! They will eventually get up and walk over to another T.V. or distract themselves with something else
Here are some real incidents .
Incident 1
Let’s say at the lunch table your colleague is forever ribbing you of something or the other. This is a form of gentle bullying. You hate it! You want to choke the colleague or wished he would be moved to another office. What if you smiled the next time they joked about you, joined the laughter and did not visibly show you are upset? You will see them being caught off guard. They don’t expect you to do that. They expect you to squirm, be embarrassed and make them feel smart and intelligent. They did not expect you to take it cool and smile it off! This is one form of responding. Agastya tried this but couldn’t sustain it for long. After many years of practice now I am quite good at it but it is still tough.
Incident 2
You have a peer who is always poking holes in your proposals. Always throwing you off balance in meetings. So much so that you start preparing your presentations keeping in mind the objections your difficult peer will raise. What happens every time you are confronted? Most of us will react, get defensive and start justifying. Take a step back. Pause. What if you thanked them for the feedback and moved onto your next point. It helps if you can stay calm, smile, look around and address the answers to all rather than just the person. You would be surprised how many people will support you with their smiles and silent encouragement. The trick is to stop looking at the peer as an irritation but a motivator for you to prepare and think through matters thoroughly before presenting
The above are only some ideas, simple, they work some times but don’t work many times… However, if we understand the basic anatomy of a bully/difficult personality we will be better prepared to manage them!
Some personality traits of a bully are:-
Inferiority – apparently most bullies suffer from this and actually they use first strike as their defence.
Need for attention – they have a high need to be noticed, seen as smart, witty or just the centre of attention.
Need to be in control – I believe they have this high need to be in control and a lot of their boorish behaviour is to stay in control.
Now to some ideas to neutralize them.
Idea 1 :- Don’t allow control – like the TV, if you allow control, you play into the bully’s hand .
Idea 2 :-Feel good about yourself – Unless you respect yourself, nobody else will. If you are different in any way, be proud of it! Ensure your mind is filled with positives about yourself. Keep focusing on them, and you will see yourself an owner of an indomitable spirit.
Idea 3 :- Never get angry – Getting angry is perhaps the biggest win for the bully. Keep smiling; look straight in the eye and you will see your tormentor become a bundle of nerves right before you. It is important to understand what we discussed before – inferiority, need for attention and need for control.
Idea 4:- Get a buddy- It is ok to open up, to vent out and let somebody know that well…
Idea 5:- Get Tough – Toughness is not about being rude. It is about having a spine. Stick to your beliefs, your ideals and your principles. A bully would definitely see strength of character here, and think twice before messing with you.
Remember if it gets bad take help, complain to seniors, call a friend – do something don’t tolerate it.
Good luck
Nice article Elango and I would suggest everyone should read it …..
I haven’t faced bullying in office (yet!) probably because I have a pretty decent line in invective and pithy comebacks (!).
However, I did face it in school ’cause I was the smallest kid in class – and the way I sorted it out was when I had an epiphany – bullies can only dish it out – they can’t take it! So, I figured, what’s the worst that can happen – I’d get hurt a bit (and I wouldn’t get in as much trouble with the authorities cause I was a good student) – so I had it out with the joker – got thumped, but landed a few solid one’s myself. After that day, I went out of my way to taunt my tormentor – got thumped a bit, but much more half-heartedly – he realised he could hurt me, but not break my spirit, and gave up after that.
Afterthought – I’ve noticed that bullies from school generally do not do well in life – at least by conventional yardsticks of success – my particular enemy, last I heard, was stuck in a dead-end, low-down job somewhere. I hate to gloat, but its hard not to. 🙂
Hey Nitin good to see you on the blog buddy. As always you have an interesting story. I am not surprised you are not bullied at work – you have more than pithy and invective – confidence and competence! that is difficult to bully. Cheers stay connected
Hello Sir,
Nice article written. It teaches us well about how to manage bullies in various situations. The advice given by you will not only help us to deal with various people when we are in the office, however, will also help us when we are around people outside the corporate environment. Also as per you said, one should not tolerate things after a certain limit and complain about the same to their seniors/managers. Again, THANKS A LOTS for writing this article and educating us about how to manage bullies. 🙂
thank you as always shweta – for your comments and encouragement
🙂
Great article 🙂 have faced many times such situation… and its frustrating. You are so right on various reasons of the bullies – vow attention and fear, thats what i have seen… and have learn to dealt with them over period of time.
great one Elango. I think all of us go through form of mental harassment at every stage, right from school to our workplace. One other technique that has worked for me is just looking into the eye of the bully and politely tell the person to stop it. It has often softened the bully and led him to stop being so. I think we take life too seriously sometimes. Laughter is after all the best medicine. Cheers. Keep ’em coming.
Hi Kaushik – nothing like some laughter to ease the situation. Facing up and standing up for yourself, as you say, is a critical part of managing bullies.
Nice one, this helps. Thanks!.,
In a hierarchical organization in which the “bully” seems to be in tune with management preferences, despite the questionable quality or logic of the bully’s proposal, one has only a few options. Make appropriate and reasonable comments. Retain your sense of decorum (bite your tongue!) Don’t burn your bridges.
Attempt to avoid taking a “loss” personally – even if it is personally significant. Keep in mind that unsuccessful ideas occasionally boomerang. When they do, don’t crow or “rub it in.”
All growth – a combination of knowledge and experience – is predicated on failure. Vital and successful organisms must grow to survive. A willingness to accept failure (or a “loss”) as a normal and natural part of the growth process is the surest way to ensure ultimate success.
A baseball player who bats near 300 is generally considered a star. A 300 average means that the player actually fails to get a hit 7 out of 10 times.
The quicker we put each failure behind us, the faster we can move ahead.
The preceding comment is based on significant personal experience with failure. You might say that failure and I have an intimate and long-standing relationship. It hasn’t always been fun or easy, but it has provided plenty of motivation.
Hi Glenn, thank you for your comments. Rare is a person who admits they have failed(though all of us do). Rarer is the one who says they learnt from it and moved on. You seemed to be one atleast based on your comments :). Your point on power and bullying is very relevant. It is important we learn how to navigate the power equation. It is a subject for a blog in itself.
This article is great. I have faced several bullies but have not used some of your ideas. Maybe I should try them out next time. I enjoy going after the bullies and ensuring that they never think about messing with me. The remote idea is great. Not allowing control can be easily followed by anyone.
A fabulous blog, Elango. One that hits close to home am sure for a fair number of us who have read this.
While we have all encountered bullies, the professional bullies are tougher to navigate through. The method I have resorted to is fairly simple.. I have learnt to look for that single insecurity that propels the bully to act in a certain way. While someon’e else’s insecurities don’t necessarily rock my world, it makes the bullying seem less potent in my eyes
The moment I believe that, I am honestly free of being bullied in the first place.
You hit it when you said that a bully seeks the pleasure of seeing his victim ‘squirm with embarassment’. No embarassment simply translates to “doesn’t get affected by my bullying, hence I am robbed of this pleasure, may as well take it elsewhere!!” Works for me!!
Hi Behzad – thank you for your comments. Very understanding way of dealing with bullies
As life evolves, so does the kinds of bullies we encounter, here are a few that you may recognize –
1.The “pack-bully” – harmless on their own, only emerges as a bully if part of a set (think college ragging). Best to approach in singular doses and avoid in the group context.
2.The “heavyweight honcho” –power centers usually surrounded by pandering sycophants. Means no harm, we exist only as peripheral accessories to inflate their egocentric auras further. Peaceful co-existence and just “go with it” tactics usually suffice.
3.The “insecure loser” who compensate for lack of self worth by sending out messages of bravado and torment into the world. Usually pipes down if you stand up to them or ignore them.
4.The one that really gets me is the “silent joy killer” – malicious foe disguised as pious epitome of virtue and credibility. Their weapons of choice are negativity (of course devil’s advocates) to counter positive optimism and foil affirmative action and progress. Their tradeoff may range from self serving bias to mere perversity, and they usually flourish in the corporate and political contexts. This kind is tough to tackle, but usually reverse psychology works. Only positivity counters negativity best, although this may be too simplistic at times J
Whatever the shape or disguise, bullies are life lessons in coping, surviving and personal effectiveness. Encounters help us emerge better armed to take on this crazy and unpredictable world. On a lighter note, there are of course the “benign bullies” – our very own nagging parent/ spouse/ friend/ sibling – but they’re not too bad after all!!!!
Hi Avantika – thank you for taking time to write your thoughts. Well said, especially the types of bullies. Silent joy killer – that’s a first time :). I will use your comment if this post makes it to an article.
🙂
Excellent! Bullying is one of the key issues which gets prime time & debated across in UK. We all have faced bullies in one way or other. So you have touched a very important personal subject & international one too… your ideas are worth internalizing, especially love/respect oneself caught my attention. School management would love you here!
Mirji thank you – coming from the Aryabhatta awardee is doubly nice. Good to see you online
Thank you for a beautiful article Elango. This issue is faced mostly by everyone.
This is helped a lot and thank you once again. 🙂
thank you Babita